Kyler's Story

Then the hospital phone rang. Dr. Martin was on his way in and apologized that the doctors “couldn’t hear a heartbeat”. I’m so thankful he came because we have a history and I have been honest with him about recent heightened anxiety. I called Mom at this point, and she headed to Nashville. Mitchell behind her. Dr. Martin confirmed no heartbeat, prayed over us, and asked if we would like to deliver now or return at a later date. We knew we couldn’t go home, so we transferred to a delivery room. I still couldn’t picture Baby Ky, and I couldn’t get a grip on what was happening and who I had lost. I was in focused “go” mode.

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I began at 2cm and 40% effaced. At 1:45am July 1, they placed Cytotec in my cervix to help with effacement. They gave me 1 liter of fluids and had me bed bound for 2 hours. That was miserable- when I was freed, I urinated all 1L out. At 5:45 am, they placed another Cytotec pill. During that time, all family had arrived. Rick and Susan raced in from the cabin, Mom and Mitchell were there. Megan had been there from when we lost the heartbeat. Daniel flew in overnight from St. Louis. Paige and Dad were on the way. Each of them came in sometime during the dark and held our hands, cried, and sat. Most never went back home and stayed in our hallway or in the waiting room. We could tell they wanted to be as present as we might need. They brought food to and from hospital, cleaned up baby things at the house very thoroughly and put them in the nursery.

At 9am, I was 80% effaced and 3cm. Dr. Martin broke my water and the contractions really began. They felt like they were very close together and strong compared to what I had expected. The water was way higher in volume than I expected as well. It was brown due to his meconium. Shay was amazing. He would help me stand up and change my pads at least four times, completely in help mode by my side. When I went to the restroom, I saw 2 locks of black hair on the pad. I knew my baby boy had thick, black hair.

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The contractions came immediately. Mitchell and Mom were in the room, talking as if to pass time. I had to stop Mitchell every little bit, turn my head, and focus on breathing. I really had a difficult time relaxing through any of them. Shay brought cold cloths and rubbed my head, always standing there, whispering encouragement. “I’m so proud of you.” “You’re doing great.” I knew that in one hour they would give me Pitocin to kick things up. I decided I needed the epidural if they were going to get stronger. Turns out, I had dilated from 3 to 10cm in that one hour—I had thought I was really wimpy, but those must have been pretty intense contractions to dilate fully that quickly. It was hard to keep still during the epidural because the contractions were so close together. I’m so glad I had it placed for the remainder so I could focus on all the other things we had to figure out. Epidural was placed by 10:15am Sunday morning and Dr. Martin let the contractions continue to work to push Baby Ky down. We only needed level 2 Pitocin drip for the sake of pushing the placenta out. I was shaking full body shakes by now and apologized to Dr. Martin, said it must be adrenaline. I didn’t realize this was typical during full dilation. Lots of shakes!

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During this time, we met with a geneticist who recommended several followups for us- sending placenta to lab, maternal blood tests, did not believe we needed an autopsy as it would not likely tell us anything for the future. It was too late for genetic tests on Ky because his cells weren’t dividing. He confirmed we had zero risk factors. He was very kind and seemed sad with us. I can sense with each person that came by, they felt the rarity of the situation.

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At 11:15am, I could feel the urge to push as the epidural was wearing off and let Dr. Martin know. We began pushing at 11:25am and pushed for only 35 minutes. I could tell the nurse when my urge came (felt like an ache from sitting on a bicycle too long), and they would help me pull up my legs and counted while I pushed. Shay asked Mom to stay, mom held one leg so Shay could be behind me. Neither of us wanted to see Ky right away in case he looked like he was in pain or had hurt. Dr. Martin came in after he crowned, and helped me judge when and how hard to push. Pushing felt like it came naturally. Baby Ky was born at 12:00 noon, 20 ¾”, 7 pounds 2 oz. Dr. Martin held him low, Shay covered my eyes just in case, and Mom looked at me and told me he was beautiful. I knew we would be ok after that. Dr. Martin confirmed the cord was wrapped tightly several times around his feet, likely cutting off any circulation provided through the cord. Mom said that it looked loose, but may have loosened as he came out. Dr. Martin called it “dramatic”, said he had never seen that so tight before, was likely due to an active and strong baby, and confirmed with his colleagues that this had to be dramatic enough to lose circulation. At first I was upset at this answer, because this seemed like something that would happen again easily. Now, I believe it’s easier to handle because a genetic issue or a maternal issue would’ve been more likely to repeat. Shay later looked at some studies: 1% of ALL births (=after 20 weeks) end in stillbirth. 10% of that 1% are due to cord issues/accidents. Statistically, these accidents are more likely in overweight, smokers, drinkers, etc., making this extremely unlikely to occur in us. We now have a 1% chance of it occurring a 2nd time that late in the game. Dr. Martin has never seen a cord wrap that dramatic, and hasn’t had a patient lose a child at term (or close) in 15 years.

I don’t remember how long it took before they brought him to us, but I did ask that they would give us a few minutes to get ready. The nurse unplugged some cords and Mom left the room. They brought Baby Ky straight to me, and I held my son. I wish I could remember if I cried right away, but I don’t believe we did. I have to admit I was scared of him, to hurt his fragile skin.

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We talked about him, looked at him, then unswaddled him on the bed. Shay sat with me and we looked at those sleepy, closed, eyelids that had eyelashes pointed down and eyelids shaped like Shay’s. Baby boy had my exact nose, soft and round. His little mouth had fallen open, but he had my top lip for sure. His cheeks were chunky, I’m not sure who’s general face shape he had. His little belly was round and chunky too. His hands had tiny little nails, but his hands (palms) were big like mine. My favorite part was his hands, the little creases and his natural grip on my finger. I kept holding his left hand, pretending he would’ve been a lefty. His thighs were chunky, I imagine they would’ve been like Shay’s- much larger than his calves. He was bow-legged for now. Those little feet were cute and perfect, his little legs externally rotated and abducted just like they should’ve been. The nurse and Dr. Martin later flipped him over so I could see his little bottom; he definitely had Shay’s butt (tiny and beautiful). After we inspected and admired him, we touched his fragile skin that had begun to peel because he had been gone likely several days. His skin and cheeks were SO soft. We gained confidence touching his skin, which was exposed to a red layer underneath in several places. While he was unwrapped, Page Harper came in and took several photos of him and the three of us. She wasn’t there very long, but Mom told me that she, Lauren, and Abby sat in the waiting room for hours. Katie Ford had started driving in from Knoxville, but we told her to go home for now.

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After Page left, Shay let all the family in. They had been waiting by the door for a long time. When he stepped out to get them, he said he lost it and fell into his Mom’s arms. They all came in with tears in their eyes and looked at him. I asked everyone to hold him who wanted to. That was a sweet moment that felt natural, and I’m glad they can all now say they know him and had met him. I hope that makes it easier to talk about him with them. We had time with everyone in the room, cried, and we pointed out all of his beautiful features. They then took him to be weighed, washed, measured, and family stayed with us at this point. He was gone maybe an hour.

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The nurses helped me walk to the bathroom at this point. I was pretty sturdy, maybe 30 minutes after the birth. There was blood everywhere. A trail as I walked, all over the toilet and floor, running down my legs. It was a scene I wish Shay hadn’t seen. I had several large clots to pass in the toilet, and they milked the clots out with a lot of force. Fortunately, I didn’t bleed much afterward in my opinion. Dr. Martin allowed for a shot in my thigh to help the uterus close faster so that we could go home that night.

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Later, they brought Ky back and family left. Shay and I had several hours with him. Dr. Martin came in and prayed over Baby Ky as Shay held him. He also reminded me to journal both for my sake and others’. This time we were much more confident handling him. Shay held Ky more than I did, and I relished watching the two of them together. I wish I could accurately explain what it was like to watch the bond grow with them so quickly. Shay told Ky everything- about his room, about how he would kiss him on the forehead and nose every morning, that he would tell him he loved him too often (like he does me), that he would let him lay on his chest, that he is glad he isn’t in pain, that he loves him and would give anything to have him with us. They were beautiful together. I loved watching him walk around with baby Ky, lay him in his lap and stare at him. We got to see his beautiful eyes, pulled his lips up to see what his smile would’ve looked like. He was one happy looking baby boy. My heart hurts to consider he might have been in pain. I know he knew our voices, and I wish I had talked to him more. I got to lay on the bed and curl him up against my stomach. I miss looking at him. Seeing his face gave me something to picture when I miss him. I can think about him instead of the idea of him. I never was able to conjure up a face for him during pregnancy. But now that I have that little face in my mind… I need to see it again. Pictures aren’t the same because I could feel his soft skin. I feel like I was just getting to learn my son (but I’ll miss knowing his personality), in time for him to be taken away.

We (Shay) prayed over Baby Ky, and we KNOW God is cradling him much tighter and in more comforting ways than we could. I am just so thankful we didn’t hear his voice and meet him before watching him pass unexpectedly. I think that would’ve been much harder. We had some final moments with Ky, in which we both reminded him he was always our firstborn, that his brothers and sisters would know about him, and that now when we talk to him, we will be looking up. He now knows better than we just how beautiful it is to be with the Father.

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Before I handed him back to the nurse, I lifted his head and blood ran out of his nose. This reminded me that this was purely his body, his soul is being cradled by God, and that possibly made it easier to hand him back. Shay rolled me out in the wheelchair at 6pm July 1st, and we got into the car. We pulled out to the first redlight and Shay said exactly what I was thinking (just 19 hours after we couldn’t hear the heartbeat), “I feel like a different person.” We realized we were now caught in a place where we were a mom and dad, but also weren’t Mom and Dad. At least all 3 of us now have the same Father and are aching to be with Him together.