I remember being at a retreat in middle school that was led by guest speaker whom I thought was hilarious. I only say that because this is probably how he kept all of our attention long enough for me to remember this point: The Lord sows seeds of truth in our hearts during Bible study so that when our hearts break, the seeds are the first thing that fall in. He also used this to encourage us in speaking truth to those who don't believe in Scripture's value, reminding us that the truth "seeds" may still be sitting on their hearts until the heart is ready to let them take root.
I've thought of this several times over the years, and it's funny to me now that this phrase sticks out more than the other 1,000 hours of similar lessons I've heard. I was reminded of it again when, on Sunday, our pastor encouraged us to not give up on going to church, because those "boring" church services are still planting truth in our hearts even subconsciously. Oh, I totally believe this. Now more than ever.
Fortunately for both Shay and me, Ky's birth and death is thus far the hardest thing we have walked in (I can't say "walked through" because I'm not sure you ever get "through"), so we have learned/are learning much about how our personalities react in trauma, how and how quickly we process, which characteristics of God are most comforting to our souls, how specifically the Lord holds us up (again, a favorite right now-- Isaiah 41:10). We have seen fruitfulness come from all the Biblical immersion we have had over the years- retreats, sermons, lectures, Bible classes, devotionals, books, Bible studies, chapel, verses of the day, Christian radio, conversations with others, parenting lessons. Instead of being really vague about it, I'll share some specific ways that I have seen evidence of truths flowering up when needed most (in just 3 weeks, mind you, when shock is probably still a real thing-- testimony to His faithfulness). ((ALSO, I write these knowing/hoping the list will grow longer as my eyes open wider, and assuming I'll need to refer back to these over and over in the future)).
During the 3 days leading up to Ky's birth, the "verses of the day" on my Bible app were Isaiah 26:3, Philippians 4:7, John 14:27. All of these have to do with peace: peace that is greater than our comprehension, that is different than the peace the world thinks of, and peace that comes with a mind "steadfast" on Christ. I had been having more borderline panic attack-ish days the last several months and had been fixated on these verses (along with Psalm 34:7). I seriously have to believe God moved the Bible app makers to choose these so timely.. I remember as Mom and Mitchell got to the hospital room around 2am, sitting on the side of the bed and having those references so vividly in my mind that I was reciting them to her, as though I had been prepped for this moment (BECAUSE I HAD BEEN. That doesn't just happen).
During the labor and actual delivery, God made His mercies over us very evident. The fact that we were aware of these merciful moments at all during the event was in itself merciful. This is how I know strength was GIVEN to us and not manufactured. Lamentations 3 was on my mind all morning at the hospital. His "mercies are new every morning." I didn't know the rest of that passage, but the first sentence was enough to hang onto.
I haven't had the first bit of anxiety or panic since being home, even being here alone. Perhaps God has drawn me in closer to Him through more prayer, reading, and journaling consistently than I have done in years. (p.s. Yes, I'm a firm believer alot of panic disorder can be/are related to chemical imbalance, but still).
One night during the first week after Ky's birth, I woke up in middle of the night and knew something bad had happened, but couldn't remember what it was yet. Before I even remembered, words came to my head "when you don't know what to say, just say Jesus." That was enough to hang onto to get me back to sleep.
Another night, soon after I shut my eyes, I felt a heaviness, like a pit in my stomach, and saw really creepy eyes staring back at me. Something told me to proclaim Jesus's name over our bedroom and our house, asking Jesus to completely remove anything not from Him. "The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him." I asked myself if that was stupid. Quickly, I remembered that NO... the Apostles cast out demons in Jesus's name, Jesus Himself cast out multiple demons. I just looked it up and found a page of 25 references where demons were cast out.
I really appreciated our pastor's point about not seeing "boring" sermons as invaluable,-- whether from a mother's perspective worrying her kids aren't paying attention, to struggling hard to keep your eyes open in chapel, to being annoyed at yourself because you feel like you should choose the Christian radio station. Like we learned in PT school, sometimes it takes hearing/doing something a million times and in different ways for it to finally sink in.
Thank you, God, that some of these truths have sunk in. Thank you for causing them to take root and to rise to the surface when needed most.
