You know how people say, "Never tell a woman she's too much?"
I think I've taken that to mean that, if you're not careful, people will actually probably think you're too much. Especially if you feel too much.
No one's made me feel this way. I actually think it may be attributable to Satan. But since Kyler was born, there has been a barrage of extra thoughts and feelings, and most of the time they seem very at odds with each other, which is really flipping weird.
Someone told us pretty nonchalantly that it's the 'both - and' principle. Meaning, it is VERY normal and even good to recognize you can feel two polarizing emotions at the same time. That it's an instinct to want to pick the most uncomfortable one and ignore it, while making the positive one bigger. But, if you've been to even one counseling session, you know that ignoring something tends to be synonymous with asking for trouble down the road.
So we're trying to embrace the both-and. And I want all the next girls to be told too that this is ok, maybe even helpful. For us, this looks like feeling thankful that our friends are pregnant and healthy, but really pissed that wasn't the case for us. Feeling thankful for a tragedy that helps us see God's comfort more, but feeling jipped that it all happened. Wanting to be present and a good friend, but really scared of exposing yourself to painful reminders. Feeling thankful for a bigger picture / looking forward to heaven, but really wanting to manhandle what our short life looks like here. Wanting so badly for friends/others to understand but wanting them to never have to. Wanting to have our child to love on, but truly believing he's happier than he could ever be here. Smiling because somehow many things remind me of Ky and what could've been, but frustrated that somehow many things remind me of Ky. And embarrasingly, being fulfilled by pouring into a nonprofit in Kyler's name, but feeling defeated when someone else does the same thing easier and faster [what is wrong with me...].
I really do think it's valid to feel all those things, BUT I need to put a little more work into recognizing what all's going on in my head and heart, and ask for clarity on where each thought is coming from. When I haven't been able to tease out exactly what I'm feeling, they all get tangled up and come out as one big "I hate how I feel and I kind of hate myself because of it." There's alot more peace to be had when I realize some of these thoughts (or maybe just the tangling of them) may be from Satan, the tempter himself, who is probably doing whatever he can to keep those both-and thoughts jumbled up and keep me beating up myself for feeling too much. Because then I know what to do with some of these thoughts when I know where their origin lies.
This morning, I'm trying to label lies that I'm believing, and digesting that they're LIES. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that a delay in God's visible answers to prayer is evidence that He doesn't hear us like He says, or that God isn't moved by our struggle, or being engaged in godly things is a protection against losing your zeal, or that a lack of passion for prayer is an indication that it's not really effective, or that lost fervor means what you're doing isn't a good work, or even that you can't feel sad. Perhaps these are lies that, when labeled as what they are, will renew zeal and highlight what God does say to us.
"The Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil one."
"In all their suffering he also suffered, and he personally rescued them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years."
"We are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works."
"You have received a spirit of adoption as sons."
"The Lord has taken you out of the iron furnace."
"I have engraved you on the palms of my hands."
"He gives strength to the weary."
"I will make a road in the wilderness and streams in the desert"
"My power is perfected in weakness."
"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go."
"No one can snatch my sheep out of my hand."
"Sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace."
"You will know the truth, and the truth will make you free."
"..Be content with what you have, for he himself has said 'I will never leave or forsake you.'"
"We are no longer children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine... by craftiness in deceitful scheming."
"Let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds."
Trying to understanding if any of these double-sided emotions are true lies or biblical Truth, is helping me understand what to focused-ly pray for. This morning, I'm praying for vivid conviction to run to God with all the tangled up thoughts, remembering the Psalms and Job, and ask for clarity in understanding what to do with all these both-ands.
As always, here's a mess of jumbled thoughts splattered on this blog, but if someone else comes out with an 'Amen' or a 'Oh, yeah, God totally loves me in all my mess", it's worth it
