I kept telling people that I felt like I couldn't connect to this pregnancy. That really bothered me. I didn't have the urges to sing or read to or talk to Kyler as much as I thought I should. I had a hard time picturing what he would be doing while we were sitting on the couch, hard time picturing him in his carseat or high chair. Maybe that's normal...
Shay seemed to have a much more vivid picture of having Ky lay on his chest on the couch or picking him up from his crib in the mornings.
I kind of kick myself now for not even knowing exactly where he would sleep in our room for the first little while, or picturing how I'd hold him during night feedings. I never held that Boppy pillow and now I feel stupid, like I missed my chance to dream about him and talk to him about those dreams. We had his ultrasound pictures on the fridge, and I didn't even look at them every day.
I didn't get nervous for any of our prenatal appointments or anatomy scan. I only got annoyed when the nurse couldn't find the heartbeat fast enough. My anxiety was related mostly to me and not to Kyler's health.
I blamed it on starting a new job and working extra shifts to save up for maternity leave. I also blamed it on not having watched anyone I knew be pregnant. The closest pregnancy to me was a new friend whom I knew for like the last 3 weeks of her pregnancy. I just didn't know what it looked like to A). Be pregnant and B.) Live with a newborn.
I'm making excuses now because I feel guilty. I don't think any of this caused Ky's death, but I do wish I had done alot of things differently. Stupid hindsight vision.
Part of me thinks not "connecting" maybe spared us from having alot more triggers later, such as seeing the high chair or the car seat (I didn't picture him in it yet, so it wasn't his car seat to me). I wonder if God shielded my heart in this way.
Regardless, I've since placed a word on what I wish I had done more of and what I hope to do in future pregnancies (Lord, please let there be more..): CHERISH.
Instead of being scared of baby kicks, I hope I cherish them.
Instead of talking ABOUT my baby, I hope I talk TO them.
Instead of praying only for my attitude and energy level, I hope I will ask God to care for and bless our child.
Instead of being frustrated I can't sleep on my back, I hope I cherish the opportunity to carry my child.
Instead of whining about missing coffee or sushi, I hope I cherish knowing how to care for my growing baby.
Instead of moving fast and hard from waking up until bed, I hope I use pregnancy as more motivation for quiet time.
Instead of being slightly embarrassed about my size, I hope I thank God every day that my child is still growing.
I also hope that I write more to any future child we have than I did to Kyler. Ky, I wish I had recorded more of my thoughts about you so I could use them as memories now. Here's the only (short) note I wrote to Ky:
February 15, 2018 (Ky's birthday is 7/1/18)
"My baby,
I've had a hard time wrapping my head around being pregnant with you. We are 18 1/2 weeks pregnant, and I still think that when you kick, I will be blown away because I just can't comprehend that you're inside of me. We decided that, because we don't care what gender you are, we will have a gender reveal party, and we will be surprised there too! We just want to know next week that you're developing appropriately. You are the first baby in my friend group and in our families- so this is all new- and everyone is excited to meet you! I expect that when I see you next week, and you look like a baby, that it will help me comprehend that you're really in there. You dad (whoa, weird) is adapting much better to this impending change than I am. I know for certain he prays for you and me everyday on his way to work. He talks about you every day too, and has started trying to rub my belly more. I expect he'll try to start talking TO you soon. He's really flipping amazing. We both have alot to work on, but I feel that my list may be a little harder to tackle..."