The Lord knows what we need, and He has provided it through PEOPLE more than any other avenue (that I can see).
I went to a church women's dinner, and probably wouldn't have gone had one of the girls not specifically said they would like to pray over me. Walking in was kind of awkward, I stood outside the kitchen and thankfully 2 women came straight to me.
It's most helpful when it's acknowledged.
One woman said, "Many of us want to ask questions, but also don't. Would you like an opportunity to share Kyler's story?"
Here's where I'm at. The ONLY good I can currently see coming from this is if Kyler's life can cause people to wonder about the One who holds us up, and the ONLY way that can happen is if I share his story. On top of that, I want people to know about my beautiful, soft, perfect son, because he is real though noone will see him. Plus, sharing it now meant doing it one good time instead of 15 separate times.
So a circle of 16 women gathered and I sat among them and told his story. Through a LOT of tears. These are fresh tears because, up to this point, I had been "telling the story as if reading the newspaper" like the counselor said.
I told as much about his story as I could remember, and my fears of bitterness, of balancing future hope with mourning my baby, and of the faithfulness the Lord has shown in upholding us with his righteous right hand.
They gave me all the space and time I wanted.
And they cried with me. Legitimately cried with me.
They didn't ask any questions.
Many prayed very fervently and powerfully over both Shay and me, including a woman I had never met.
They've assured me Ky's life is already touching many. Women kept saying "you're so brave to be here", "I can't believe you're here", "you're showing such strength". But being completely honest, I don't feel brave, I don't feel strong, I don't really feel a whole lot of anything. But I also don't feel despair, and that's how I know the Lord has me sitting in the palm of His hand. I am truly experiencing, "When I am weak, then I am strong."
"You make me brave. You call me out beyond the shore into the waves." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Hi-VMxT6fc
Shay spent this time tonight with 2 husbands whose wives were also at the dinner. He said he felt that he got to know them on another level tonight. They shared deep struggles with each other, and I can tell it meant something very profound to Shay to have that bond. It makes my heart happy.
THIS COMMUNITY for both of us has been exponentially grown and rooted deeper because of Kyler and because of his story. For truly, this night would not have happened for either of us without him.