We have so much family present. I’m sure no one knows what to do to help or how to act. In reality, Shay and I don’t know what we want. We want to be alone, but we don’t want to talk and listen to their stories, or to laugh. I want them to be around, but let me think. Shay and I have tried to steal some time in the bedroom briefly, to cry and to pray and to remind ourselves of truth and comfort. The Lord is HOLDING us up with a float of hope. I am so thankful he hasn’t let us spiral and has removed the deep, dark pits from our stomachs (even if temporarily). He has been merciful, and I pray that His mercies are new every morning. We will not survive otherwise. Choosing to grieve and talk about him is painful, but I can see that it is a much better option than choosing to shut it out in an attempt to move forward quickly. We hope the Lord will help us with our timing.
I have seen Shay in Ky’s room several times in the first bit home, talking to him and praying very fervently for him, reminding himself of truth as well. The Lord has held us.
Shay has found a lot of comfort in reading the texts and emails from friends and coworkers on my phone. I can’t keep up with them, truly. I still have not answered messages from Sunday. Community. I have loved the verse in Psalm 34:18-20 that someone wrote to us in a card. I'm also loving the song “Oceans/You Make Me Brave” by Caleb + Kelsey. This is the same couple Shay played for me during the hour of contractions (and what I listened to with Mom while we painted the nursery). ((https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X90XBZSSX2I))
Lamentations 3:18-26
I cry out, “My splendor is gone! Everything I had hoped for from the Lord is lost!” The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him!” The Lord is good to those who depend on Him, to those who search for Him. So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.
There is a red cooler on our back door that people are constantly dropping meals into already. Susan bought a food saver and is freezing things for us rapidly.
Physically, I am doing ok. Very thankful that I am almost done bleeding, I believe. This morning (Tuesday), I’m wearing my old gym shorts and t-shirt comfortably. I am wearing my “belly band” for good support. It's helping with uterine pain and relieved the epidural catheter placement back pain. I am down from 188 to 172 already- very odd feeling.
As of now, no milk production thankfully.
Mom is staying here on the couch in case I can’t sleep. Mitchell took off his first week in work to be available. Rick and Susan plan to stay the week.
Megan seems to be in tune to what I need. Very sensitive to that.
We have had wonderful gifts from people, who truly are thinking of ways they can contribute. Cathy sent a large bag of “things to make you happy” from TJMaxx- fuzzy slippers, robes, nail polish, candles, lotions. Brooke has offered to ship us groceries or pay for a maid. Debbie has offered to pick up counseling or medical bills. Probably 50 people have planned to bring us food. People from work are connecting me with others in similar situations.
HE HAS BLESSED US IN THE MIDST.
Shay has periodically prayed so vulnerably with me and is inviting me to be close to him often. I am so thankful that his version of “alone” is to be with me. I have told him my greatest comfort right now is to have him near. We are the only two who understand this situation deeply in the same way. I pray we continue to heal in similar patterns. He is very solemn in general, I’ve been happy to see him laugh several times. I am growing tired of pretending to be chatty.
This morning (Tuesday), we went to the funeral home. Rick, Susan, and Mom drove us to Harpeth Hills Memorial Garden. They provide cremation services for infants for free. We signed the paperwork, decided not to see Ky again (to keep the image we have of him). His ashes will be in a wooden box, which seems appropriate, and we will take him home next week. So far, it is his beautiful body to me, but not his personality or soul. It is his God-given and perfect shell for earth. Again, family seems to want to chat and distract, and tell stories. I don’t want them directed at me because I don’t want to respond.
Friends have been so so patient and respectful of this time, dropping things off without expecting to chat.
What I hope to remember for others, is that they don’t need the platitudes (unless they ask for them desperately). What I’ve found most helpful is someone acknowledging they don’t know what to offer, but making themselves available WHEN we are ready. Silent hugs are also pretty good.