I asked family to give us the morning alone. Shay and I sat downstairs and talked and cried. He and I are truly relying on each other at different times. He began to speak about Ky in heaven and believing he was most likely so enthralled with the Lord, he wouldn’t be looking back at us. I have to believe his angel or the Lord will tell him when we talk to him at night, when we pray for him. He is healed fully, and what we are doing down here is for our healing. I would much rather us have to handle the healing process while he is whole with God. I should be happy to carry him all over again if it brings others to question or wonder about the One who is holding us up right now. The point is… he is where our ultimate goal is for him to be. And he got there without having to suffer. And we never worried whether he would choose Jesus or not.
Shay also believes that Ryan Ford’s absolutely being sold on the name “Kyler” for us that night we went into the hospital (2 hours before we lost heartbeat) was divine. He solidified our name conversation right then and there, because he went crazy talking about it (“It’s a sweet name”, “he’s gonna be so athletic”).
Family was around again all day. It just requires alot of energy. I want Mom here, but told her to go to Townhouse because she needed to get some work done. She and I sat outside on the sidewalk tonight while fireworks were going off and talked about how and if you can know you’re emotionally ready to be pregnant again, questioned how you could balance mourning Ky with excitement over another baby? How do you not feel guilty not talking about or to Ky each day? Is it healthy to keep wondering what it would be like if he were here? Will I wake up one day and, like a punch in the throat, wonder if it all really happened? Am I forever different- a Mom who has lost her child? Mom mentioned that because of baby Ky, we learned how to be pregnant, how to love, how to sing to and talk to a baby (though I wish I had done it more), and how to now ask the Lord each night to care for our children. I wish I had done this more too.