I wish I could make it abundantly clear how much more assured I am of God's strength. His care for me. His presence in the details. His mercies that are still new every morning. He really didn't have to give us an easy labor, a present family, a faithful doctor, quick physical healing, peace so much of the time, family giving their resources, or friends who continued to reach out beyond the first couple weeks.
And he definitely didn't have to give me Ky's bunny.Â
This brown bunny had been in our yard since some time in the spring. I probably only noticed him because of being afraid he would eat the garden we had just planted. As time went on, we each noticed him from the sink window in various parts of the yard, never moving. We never saw that dang bunny move- he just appeared. Eventually, the bunny became Ky's bunny.
"Can't you just see baby Ky chasing him around the yard?" Oh, with those chunky little legs. And my trying to video all of it.
We told each other every time we saw Ky's bunny that spring and early summer, but I'm not sure it was daily. We thought it was funny we never saw him eating the garden.
When we first got home from the hospital, I felt so confused that there was no tangible sign of Kyler. Aside from the extra weight and soreness, it felt like there was no evidence of what happened the night before. The house looked the same (siblings had cleared out all baby things), same number of family members, same ol' car with an empty car seat. None of his things felt like his yet, so they didn't give much comfort. Most of Shay's dreams had been related to getting him out of the crib, putting him to bed, etc., so I have found Shay standing in front of the crib several times. But I really only had a few specific images of what I thought Ky would be like; one being his tiny self toddling around the yard trying to catch that bunny.Â
I couldn't tell you which day the first week that I looked out the kitchen window and saw the bunny sitting there, like nothing had changed.
Instant tears.
Our family quickly learned all about the bunny. I started almost obsessively looking for the bunny, and I saw him almost EVERY day for the first month. I could have a pretty upbeat day, and as soon as I'd see the bunny looking all cute and round, I would lose it. In fact, most of the crying I have done has been around that bunny, and there's probably something healing in it. And, oh man, when I saw him eating something from his little paws, I was a mess. And when I saw him hopping around the yard loving his life? Called Mom just to sob about how pure and innocent he was- like Ky.Â
Mom had to legitimately tell me that, when I didn't see the bunny, he was visiting his relatives or bringing someone else joy. I was so weirdly scared to get attached to him, but nothing reminded me of Kyler like that dang bunny.
My stupidly artistic friend humbly offered to anonymously paint something for us so that we had some kind of tangible reminder of Kyler. What an insightful gift. I heard about the offer and knew pretty quickly what would be meaningful. Ky's bunny, of course! I know she labored HARD over this painting, and that means so much. What an example of using your gifts to serve willingly.
I kid you not, I have not seen Ky's bunny one time since I brought home his bunny painting. As I write this, it's been three weeks without seeing that darn bunny, but I'm not mad at him anymore. God gave him to me for a time, and I don't care how weird that sounds. That bunny was healing for me in the transition.
Ky's bunny painting is right next to his urn. If the lion lies down with the lamb in heaven, then Ky is throwing one chunky leg in front of the other trying with all his might to catch and cuddle with his bunny. And, Lord willing, when there is a babe sleeping in this crib, that nursery theme is without a doubt bunnies. Any children we are blessed to have will know all about big brother Kyler and his bunny.
You, who have shown me great and severe troubles, shall revive me again, and bring me up again from the depths of the Earth You shall increase my greatness and comfort me on every side.    Psalm 71:20-21
Yesterday, I was in the wood shed making small angels for a project and looked out the window to see Shay running a push mower over the garden. I was really holding onto that dead garden hoping the bunny would come back and eat it. Because I'm crazy? I'm leaning towards maybe. It hasn't even been two months since Kyler was born, but watching that mower shred my lettuce felt like the end of an era.
"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Romans 15:13
