On The Rock

There are alot of things to be said about Patti Silvers. But someone else is gonna have to tell you, because she'll never toot her own horn. In fact, she doesn't even have a horn.

It's been just shy of two months since our world was rocked, and I'm only now able to start understanding that our families have needed to grieve too. Unfortunately for them, I think I had an invisible sign up that said "if you cry, you have to leave." I hate to say it, but I think I felt like no one could "act" more sad than me. If I was fine, you needed to be fine too.

I find myself laughing at her frequently (Amen, Mitchell?), and that has not changed in the last two months. One day, Mom decided we needed a family crest, a slogan. I don't know what she plans to do with said crest, but it makes her happy so whatever. She was so excited to tell Shay and me about this grand invention; she sat us down, and said...."Are you ready for it? Okay.... ON THE ROCK!" She was quite pleased with herself. Unfortunately for her, we didn't see the genius behind it. She proceeded to explain the genesis of this crest-- the wise man building on the rock versus the sand. "Yes, Mom, got it."

Shay and I went home last weekend, which is basically when Mom whips out all the chalkboard signs I've made for her and tries to get creative. This weekend we had a whale drawing in the kitchen (Ky's nursery theme) and a plethora of slogans on the big chalkboard. Among them: "On the Rock". I know the parable is pointing to Christ as our ultimate rock, but I can't help but think that he gave me a smaller, tangible rock here on Earth in Mom. 

Recently, I told her I'm sorry I wouldn't let her cry. She understood, and likened it to seeing her dad cry. If she had seen Grandpa cry, she would've known things were really bad. If the rock cracks, you all crack. But this Mom-rock deserves to feel and to mourn and to rely on the real Rock. Honestly, being a rock must feel like a thankless job, standing completely still and reliable even in the face of crap being thrown at you. So for you, lovely lady who stumbled across this page, I hope the below serves as encouragement to step into the heavy and confusing grief of others (because hello!? no one asked for this, don't leave anybody to deal with this alone). For me, this is a memorandum of all the selfless ways I have seen it displayed. 

Thank you to the rock who didn't ask questions when she got the call, but moved as fast as she could to get to me.

Thank you to the rock who counted for me in labor when the nurse left, matched my emotions throughout, and was the first to tell me Kyler was beautiful.

Thank you to the rock who kept a suitcase in her car for six weeks, slept on a different piece of furniture every night, who quietly waited to be told if we needed a night alone or needed a distraction.

Thank you to the rock who:

Gently encouraged me to take walks with her, even if only to the stop sign. (And walked in a thunderstorm because I just decided it sounded good).

Sat outside on the sidewalk and listened to all my "what ifs" late at night because I couldn't let her get in the car to leave... And brought us blankets in the heat of summer so we could keep sitting on the sidewalk without getting bit by mosquitos.

Rubbed my back all night when Shay was out of town.

Was so in tune to my rapidly changing emotions and didn't give me a hard time if I didn't want to talk.

Drove me home in complete silence, no questions, after I picked up Kyler's ashes.

Who drove up to Nashville every Sunday without telling me, just in case I needed her when Shay went to work.

Who let me try to plan a trip to Iceland because it gave me something to look forward to.

Who put off her own grief to focus on mine.

Bought and planted pansies in the front yard because we made a side comment about the yard looking ugly.

Watered said pansies, filtered the mail.

Sat in the same spot on the same couch for DAYS.

Fielded people at the door when I didn't want to talk.

Brought her own towels to my house to reduce my laundry load. (and ironed everything..)

Painted dining room chairs with me so I could feel productive.

Offered to move the entire nursery out of the house in a 2 hour span if we said the word.

Continued to feed herself daily with her lineup of 6 devos in the morning (that the woman scans and prints out to take with her on trips like an 80 year old without a smart phone).

Is so purely full of the love of the Lord that I can't quite comprehend it. I legit don't know what I'll do without her.

For who is God, but the LORD? And who is a rock, except our God, Psalm 18:31