Dates haven't meant a whole lot to me over the last year. Kyler's birthday was important, I very much knew it was Mother's Day, etc., but that knowledge didn't totally wreck my day.
Something totally happened, though, 10 days out from Beckett's induction. My only guess is that it was related to the fact that we found out we Kyler was gone 10 days before induction. Or maybe it was just the reality that we were SO CLOSE to meeting Beckett, and another loss at this point would be that much more of a punch in the gut.
This feels like the end of a 2 year journey to parenthood.
The last few days I haven't been sleeping well and have been very preoccupied with movements. Lots of Beckett's movements have left me in tears of relief and have also been cause for more prayers of gratitude than I've prayed at any other time in my life.
I think somewhere along the way I thought I had regained control of this outcome... like if I could catch a change in his movements, monitor the amount of hiccups, find some sort of pattern with him, then I could get to labor and delivery quick enough to avoid "an issue." Logically, I'm pretty sure that can't/won't be the case. Once I realized this false sense of control had me tied up in knots, it actually became much easier to chill out knowing that there really isn't that much pressure on me.
God knows the outcome already; I'm sure He has peace with it. Nothing that will happen in the next week will change anything true of the characteristics of God. And honestly, at the end of the day, we get to spend forever in a perfected earth with Him regardless.
"There is nothing on Earth I desire but You" Psalm 73.