The one year mark of Kyler's birth was much different -- and better -- than I had anticipated. I didn't dread it until a week or so before. I really even debated taking the day off of work because I didn't want to "pull the mental health card."
In the end, I'm VERY glad that both Shay and I dedicated the whole day to Kyler. It really felt right, in that he didn't get nearly as much attention as he would have otherwise gotten this last year if all had gone differently.
I had expected to spend the day alone locked in the nursery. I told whoever asked that I was going to "lock myself in, cry out as much as I could, and come out at 5pm normal again." I had looked into several service options for that day-- buying a kid's birthday cake at a bakery, hosting a diaper drive, buying toys for a 1 year old in foster care, sponsoring a kid with same birthday as Kyler through Compassion, etc.-- but the closer it got to July 1, the less I felt that I had the emotional energy to carry through with any of them.
So Monday morning, July 1, Shay worked out then joined me for the day. I sat in the nursery floor and spread out all the cards, memories, etc. we had collected since last year and began reading through all of them. We listened to the songs that have meant alot to us. We took our pup on a walk and talked some more -- past, present, and future. We didn't mention Beckett (upcoming brother) much. The most meaningful thing we did was read aloud the 3 "memoirs" that my mom, brother, and sister-in-law wrote for us soon after Ky's birth. They each wrote many pages of an account of his birthday, all with different details. I really felt that it was beneficial for putting my head back into that space of a year ago. Because I read them all aloud, I didn't cry much at all, but Shay had a good chance to "get it all out." VERY THOUGHTFUL friends sent flowers and brought food/treats by that day, which was unexpected and awesome. It further helped to send us back to that day and week after his birth.
We had the curtains closed all day and were very intentional to spend our time together. We played Rumikub in the floor. Went to Walmart and bought some gifts for a 1 year old in foster care nearby. Finished the night typing Kyler letters
No one has told me that the One Year mark means that you mourn less, but I suppose it's implied when people say "Well, it hasn't even been a year yet!" In an odd way, it felt like a more official 'goodbye' than we had given him previously. We didn't do a memorial service after his birth because I never felt pulled to or ready to do one. Maybe this felt like a sort of memorial service in our own home. I felt like we made it through the first year, including the added mental journey of pregnancy after loss, and now it was time to make space to anticipate his brother that's on the way.
I will admittedly be sad if and when Kyler's name comes up less, but I know that is the NATURAL way things move--- forward. People block out what's uncomfortable and painful, and I have to remember that. Even I avoid chances to mention his name when patients ask if this is my first baby/pregnancy.
I don't know that I have any revolutionary thoughts to share on this one year anniversary, which is why I haven't felt the urge to write about it. But I do remember going to sleep the night of July 1 on this year and thinking similar thoughts as I did the same night one year prior.... How do I go to sleep tonight?
Fortunately the answer is and will always be the same :).
When all of this life is said and done, regardless of what the days bring, we will spend forever with Jesus in perfection. Nothing that happens here will change that, and now I know that there's a face there that I may not recognize but hope I'll get to meet.