Similarly to Kyler's 1 year birthday post, I haven't felt the urge to write anything for "the next girls" experiencing the PAL journey, because I didn't have a whole lot to say!
...Until now.
We are nearly 32 weeks in with Kyler's baby brother, and the first 8 months were quite honestly okay. Not awesome, mind you.
The first several ultrasounds between week 4-12 had me praying and self-talking the entire way into the office, reminding myself I'm not guaranteed a healthy child on earth and that nothing we found out during our scans would change anything true about God. Other than those moments, I was cautiously optimistic. I couldn't feel movement and it was too early for a Doppler to hear his heartbeat, so there wasn't much I could do but feel hopeful between appointments.
Other moments that stand out are around 16 and 18 weeks. The nurse at my OB's office couldn't find baby's heartbeat with her Doppler and left to find the OB. It took a full 20 minutes (yes) of convincing myself of worst case scenario before we could get an ultrasound machine in there and confirm babe was okay. I had already prepared to email work that I'd be absent that day. At ~18 weeks, I thought I was feeling movements, got preoccupied by them/by lack of them, and had to drive to the east side of town to borrow my sister-in-law's Doppler for peace of mind.
The second trimester was largely fine, distracted by work, at-home craft projects, & puppy. The most annoying part of this phase was (and is) the question "Is this your first?" followed by any negative comments about kids or enjoying your life while you can.
The start of the third trimester was around Kyler's 1st birthday. Something about passing that date allowed me to shift more focus onto baby brother, Beckett. I became much more hopeful of a baby in this house, began talking about life with Beckett in the future, Christmas plans, etc. without feeling like I was jinxing something. His movements were frequent enough that they were cause for comfort and not concern, actually leading me to prayers of thanks for the movements as opposed to desperate prayers when I couldn't feel them.
I've been told "only you can know if your baby's movements change or if something feels wrong." You can count the # of movements he makes in an hour, but even then that doesn't guarantee all is well. So I started looking for patterns of movement. He seems to "wake up" around 7am, is quite active after eating, and when laying down at night. Those moments are the most reassuring. At 30 weeks, I had 2 days where I didn't feel him move much/at all in the early mornings and couldn't focus on anything else until I was convinced all was well. The at-home Doppler (sent free by Beats for Bristol nonprofit) became very helpful at this point. I know that finding the heartbeat tells you nothing except that something bad hasn't already happened, but it was enough to keep me truckin'.
Around this time, I found my thoughts leaving "cautiously optimistic" and becoming more extreme. Driving home from work one day, I felt extremely convinced that if something happened to Beckett, we would be okay. Like legitimately at peace with it. It was weird. The next day I was SO convinced we were bringing Beckett home, nothing could've changed my mind. Then sometimes I land back in "cautiously optimistic land".
And finally, flash forward to week 31 1/2. Each time I woke up in the middle of the night, I was looking for Beckett's movement as reassurance. I'd fall asleep praying for them and had weird dreams until I woke up again. That morning, I sat and read for an hour waiting for him to "wake up." Nothing... maybe one roll or stretch? Cue the Doppler. COULDN'T FIND THE DANG HEARTBEAT. Tried 3 different times, laid in weird positions, talked to pup, begged God, felt the nerves comes alive. At one point, it clicked that I was sitting in the same position,
arms wrapped around belly, that I was in when I realized Kyler was probably gone. Soooo I got myself up and drove in to Labor and Delivery. To this point, I had not felt such silence in my belly and not been able to find the heartbeat. For a split second, I really thought there may be death inside of me.
As I pulled into the parking lot of L&D, I began feeling really good movement-- kicks, flips, whatever. That was enough to convince me not to walk in, but I did go to the high risk clinic nearby for a "peace of mind" ultrasound. Babe looks great. There's still a small piece of me that remembers the stories of all the women I've met now who have had "peace of mind scans" and their babies still passed shortly after. When these thoughts happen, I feel there's truly nothing to be done other than relinquish to God the desires I have.
I believe this panicked L&D experience may be the beginning of a string of unplanned OB visits as we near our induction date. From what I hear, this is quite common :). I will say that not only was the first year after losing Kyler a major faith-refining experience, but this pregnancy with Beckett is proving to be so as well. It's funny... the same reassuring thoughts during the scans that proved Kyler's heart had stopped beating are the very same reassuring thoughts now.
NOTHING that happens on earth changes any truths about God-- how He works, His character. I've resigned myself to believe I will not understand everything I want to understand regarding how our stories play out. In fact, most of the time I find peace in this fact because my Father works much more intricately than my brain can grasp. I also know that children here on earth (or other things that scare me--- losing Mom, losing Shay, etc.) are GIFTS and not entitlements. My identity does.not.change. whether Beckett comes home with us or not.
To live in the seemingly unfairness of who gets to take home healthy babies and who doesn't implies that we deserve what we want... because we want it. I don't see anywhere Biblically that this is true. In fact, "suffering produces character, and character produces hope. And this hope does not disappoint us."
"In this world you will have trouble."
Shay laughs at me because every nightly prayer ends with "thank You that we will spend forever with You regardless of what happens here." But this keeps eternity stamped on my eyeballs, and I think that's a much more TRUE and HELPFUL lens from which to see.
